It looks like I am very prone to making promises that I can't keep. Well, at least in regards to writing more. I usually go through the cycle of getting really pumped up (well, in most cases I feel a mixture of guilt and duty which almost forces me to write), pushing out a post or two and then... following them up a month or two later. It does look like the time between these breaks are shortening so... that's something.
It's actually interesting because, for possibly the first time, I've actually been very busy these two months. I am taking two classes of summer school (which was a gigantic mistake because they are usually difficult classes without being accelerated) and that has been sucking up most of my time. It is actually very tiring on me and I find myself looking forward to Thursday nights past 10PM and constantly wishing that my classes will be cancelled. This isn't to say that I haven't had any free time... but most of the time I have is spent either studying or playing games. Excuses aside, I have had a few things that I've been... I don't know what word can accurately describe what I've been doing. Struggling with? Dealing with? Thinking about? All of these are either too strong, vague, or in the case of the first two, overly dramatic. So for now I'll just say that I've had quite a few things on my mind that I didn't really feel constituted a whole post so... well, you know the drill. I will most likely spit this into separate posts.
I. Despicable Me
For about a week or I listened to the song "Happy" by Pharrell almost non-stop. I am either incredibly masochistic or idiotic (most likely both) in the way I handle myself being sad. Instead of trying to cheer myself up or seek others for company in hopes that I will forget about my problems or whatever is worrying me, I go deeper down the rabbit hole. When felt down about getting rejected by a girl I would isolate myself and listen to songs about love/some dude pining about a girl he wants which ends up making me feel worse. This time was no exception. I endlessly listened to that song and even sang along with it because I wasn't happy. Hell, I don't even think I'm even happy right now (but more on that at 11). There are many reasons why I wasn't happy but there was one thing in particular that made me feel even worse. I didn't and still don't think that I'm allowed to be unhappy.
That sounds weird right? I'm not allowed to be unhappy? What kind of messed up logic is that? Well, the way I see it is I'm so privileged and I have so many things that I don't get to be unhappy. I'm blessed with so many things which makes me almost ungrateful because I'm unhappy. It really doesn't help that I know a few people that are much less fortunate that I am and are going through some pretty tough times. When I hear about their problems it really just makes me feel even more like a piece of garbage. At the end of the week and a half there was a small breakthrough that made me feel a little bit better. I don't think that my privileges and however fortunate I am diminishes the fact that I am unhappy. These aren't "first world problems" (well, at least I hope they aren't) so the fact that I am so fortunate doesn't make these problems any less real.
This is what I tell myself, and at the end of the day I still feel like an asshole.
II. Drive
I've said it once and I'll say it again: I lack any real motivation to do...anything. I find myself unable to give 100% to anything I do; this is especially true when it comes to school. Sometime in late June/early July I watched a TED talk that made me question whether or not I wanted to do electrical engineering. The TED talk essentially said to find your passion and pursue it. It seemed simple enough so I tried it out. I identified what my passion was and I decided to pursue said passion. But...even though I am following my passion it just doesn't feel like enough of a push to get me to strive for greatness. And honestly it seems like this "passion" that I said I had feels like something I decided just to make myself try harder. I want direction but I know that even if I had direction it probably wouldn't be enough to get me to do anything.
I really admire people who relentlessly pursue something. Even people who pursue bad, creepy, or weird things. At least those people want something so bad that they'll do whatever they want to get it. I want that. I want that "thing" that will really make me give my all. I'm like one of those sparklers you see on the 4th of July or parades. If something really interests me I'll give it a lot of my attention...for only a short burst until my spark goes away. I find myself hoping that I'll miraculously find something that I'll be really passionate about...but I know that isn't going to happen. But who knows what the future holds? Maybe I will miraculously find that one thing that I have overlooked that will ignite a flame in me so large that I will aspire for greatness.
Stranger things have happened.
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