August Update

Hello.

As you have noticed I have not posted in awhile and that is simply because I really have had nothing to say. My last post was about striving for excellence and I've been busy working on doing just that and besides I wasn't really thinking about that much so there wasn't really anything I had to say. It has been a little over a month since I started my pursuit of excellence and I thought that it was time for a slight update.

I have not had any epiphanies or anything like that since I started striving for excellence. The only thing that's really happened is that I've accepted the fact that I wasn't/am not as I think I am and that's perfectly fine. Coming to terms with that fact hasn't actually done much for me but it is apparent that in striving in excellence I have picked up a few good habits.

Now that my small update is out of the way I want to just talk about some things that have been going through my mind lately that I don't think warrant a whole post to talk about. This format is very reminiscent of some of my old blog posts that are still embarrassing to look at. Actually, looking at posts that are 4-5 months old are also pretty embarrassing too. That just means I still have a long way to go I guess.


Lately I've been feeling lonely...again. What I've basically been feeling is in this post (which is kinda painful to read) but I have come to a different conclusion. I don't think that a void exists in my life that I'm trying to fill because... well I don't really know what to say other than I don't think that there is a void that I'm trying to fill. That being said, I am still strangely lonely. Despite the fact that I'm surrounded by people who love me and my decently active social life I still occasionally hug my pillows and blankets and think "Damn I wish this was a nice girl" or something to that effect. And although this might be completely unrelated it's also this same feeling that makes me want to be alone and just drive around aimlessly and just stare into nothingness and think.



It has come to my attention that some of the friendships I have invested in have been dying. A lot of them are the normal "oh they're really far away and busy so we cant talk or do stuff" which is... understandable. Clearly none of us are really putting in that much effort into the friendship so its not really too bad. It still makes me a little sad that we don't talk much anymore but I get over it pretty quickly. Its really this one friendship in particular that really gets me because I think I've invested a good amount but I am slowly seeing that it is not a two way street.

That was a pretty crappy realization but a much needed one nonetheless. We were pretty good friends that played games together and hung out a few times here and there and occasionally talked about problems and had deep conversations. It has now more or less degraded into me saying hi and having a 3-4 minute conversation with them and simply not playing anything with them at all. To be brutally honest I'm not exactly surprised that this happened as one of their friends had the same problem with them. It's also their personality and just the way they approach most relationships so I'm not too surprised. This sounds like some high school drama but again, I invested a lot in the relationship so I'm a little bitter, but mostly I'm just disappointed.


That's it for now folks.