In my first year of college I remember I took a simplified version of the Miggs-Breyer test. I'm not 100% sure if this is correct, but I got ENFP. The last three letters weren't really a surprise to me, but what really interested me was the first letter E, which stands for Extroverted. Prior to this, I always thought I was a pretty introverted person. Which is weird because from 1st to 8th grade I was a gigantic extrovert and then for no apparent reason from my freshman to junior year in high school I became very introverted.
Anyway, when I found out that the test labeled me as an extrovert I'm pretty sure I subconsciously tried to fit into the role of an extrovert as well as telling... almost everyone I knew. When the general excitement of being labeled as an extrovert (This was mostly because at the time I saw extroversion as positive and introversion as less positive) died down I stropped "trying so hard" and just did what came naturally. A few weeks later I was talking with a friend and we were talking about having "alone time" and I realized that I really, really valued my own alone time. Not that kind of alone time but just doing my own thing alone. After that I re-evaluated my my perspective on extroversion/introversion and decided I was a mix of both probably leaning more toward the introversion side; this information is off topic so I digress.
Fast forward to now and I am currently having my alone time. And the reason why I treasure and love my alone time so much is because I get to indulge myself. I get to do pretty much whatever I want within the confines of my own room and the boundaries of the internet. I get to explore whatever passions I want and I get to... well if I'm being completely honest, distract myself.
Now its time for a little story.
For the better half of senior year and last year, I was infatuated with a woman. Now I'm not going to get into the nitty-gritty of it but it was a pretty one sided attraction. At some point in talking I confessed to her and... I was rejected. Now unfortunately this did not deter me and I was determined to remain friends (And as I wrote that I cringed remembering that this is what I thought would work) with the end goal of "winning her over". In that year and a half I managed to do a lot of stupid(read: incredibly moronic) things including: skipping/leaving class/church early, postponing important work, blowing off some friends... well I think you get the picture.And throughout all this sacrifice I was met with unrequited feelings. I eventually stopped my foolishness and felt really, really embarrassed at what I had done.
Despite being heavily in the friendzone and sacrificing various parts of my life, I was happy. And at first when I looked back on it I thought I was happy because I was talking to the girl I liked and I was so desperate for someone that, even though it wasn't real, I had a weird "relationship". I realize now that at most, this is maybe 40% of the reason why I was happy. The real reason is because I poured myself into her. Not that kind of pouring myself into her(I will admit that I did consider it) but the kind of pouring myself into someone where I give them my 100%.
I think that at the heart of what I really want when I desperately longed for someone was simply that. Someone or something to pour myself into. I still actually want this which actually makes a lot of sense considering the last post I made.
What really frustrates me is that I can't pour myself into something, even into things I love and enjoy deeply. Not videogames, not music, not reading... nothing. And I don't understand why I cant do this, despite the fact that I've pumped literally thousands of hours on most if not all of the things I just listed. And as for pouring myself into people... I really dunno. I have great friends and I would tell them anything and do a lot of things for them but I cant seem to pour myself into any of them. Which, now sounds like I intend to use them for my own personal benefit which... I guess is not entirely false. I also know that there is someone (aka God) that I should/could pour myself into but...at this point in time, I cant.
The F in the ENFP stands for Feeling, which means that I heavily invest/choose things according to how I feel. Maybe right now I'm just feeling too much or, I would probably guess, not enough. I'm really envious when I see people who have found their calling and have someone they love and also pour themselves into. Hopefully one day I'll find that too.
I've started doing this again
No comments:
Post a Comment