The Notebook

You know, this post really wasn't supposed to be written today. Instead, I should be cleaning my room like I said I would near the start of break; I actually was cleaning my room but as I was cleaning I happened across an item that made me think for a few minutes. Coincidentally what I was thinking about happened to be about what I had been planning on writing about so I thought "well it seems like this was meant to happen so lets get this over with"...and now here I am sitting with a cup of tea (it just felt like a "I need a cup of tea to write this" sort of moment) and a bagel.

As I was cleaning my room I came across my notebook from my Senior Night. Senior Night is an even planned by my church where all the seniors who are going to college are celebrated with games, music, testimonies, etc. The notebooks are where you write a small message which may or may not be malicious (one of my messages literally says "Stop farting") but generally tend to be kind. My senior night was almost two years ago so I decided to read it again, mostly because I forgot what was said and it's always nice to see what people have to say about you. I read all of them carefully because I started to see comments that I did not remember; the few I did not remember were actually very nice and surprising.

I read a lot of comments that said "I remember you were _____. It's so crazy how you've changed!" This prompted me to compare who I was then to who I am now. Saying I was stupid back then... would actually be pretty accurate. I usually like to say "oh back then I was a COMPLETE dumbass" or something along those lines but Senior Night was actually the beginning/middle of... a more interesting time in my life. I know how that story ends and sadly it isn't a good one but I'd chalk up what happened in the story to inexperience more than stupidity. Don't get me wrong, I was still a colossal dumbass but it wasn't all dumbassery so I think the distinction is important. Anyway, during that time at the heart of it, I was still some teenager.

Now if I compare myself then and now and I saw little to no differences... that would be scary. It would be scary because it would essentially mean I had learned nothing from all the hardship, misery, and (I guess its considered this) heartbreak. Thankfully the person I am now is different from the person I was then in a vast amount of ways. But here is where we get to the heart of the issue I first wanted to explore: when I look back x amount of years from how... who do I want to say I am?This is what I've been struggling with for the past few weeks. I only have very... I'd say they're basic ideas of what I want. I want to be fit, actually doing well in school and in general just more learned and a better person.

That seems very shallow.

I looked at myself and saw parts I didn't like. But I don't know what I want instead of what I don't like... I just know I don't want to be that. What am I supposed to do then? How am I supposed to move forward with just that? I don't even have a goal to work toward. I can take small steps to stop the parts I don't like but what if I get lost? I won't have something to work towards because I don't even know what I want beyond that.

Regardless of whether I have the answers to what I want to be, I will take the small steps to ensure that I will at least not be what I don't like. Hopefully by doing that I will gain some insight regarding what I would like to be.

Hopefully.