Hi.
It's been a long time hasn't it?
Last year (and the first half of this one) was... a wild ride to say the least. Actually looking back at last year the first thing that pops into my head is "man I was so stupid" which, in most cases, is very accurate. It seems to happen every single year; I'll look back and just realize how stupid of a kid I was. Its pretty embarrassing to thing of all the stupid things I did that, at the time, didn't seem so.
But that's not what I really wanted to say. Or, at least that's not what I really want to say. Thinking about it, I'm not exactly sure just what I want to say. Part of it is "announcing" that I'm back (for the 50th time now) and that I'm going to do "regular" postings. That usually ends up in me writing some long recap post and some jumbled mess of what I'm currently feeling and what is currently happening in my life, ending with the promise to write more "when I have the time" and the song I want to share because I want to feel (even if its just a little bit) validated through my musical tastes.
I'm disappointed that I stopped blogging. It's not actually surprising that I did though, seeing as most of the time I'm either going out or playing whatever game I'm currently invested in. Anyway, the reason why I'm disappointed is because I believe that blogging is good. Good isn't a very good adjective to use but considering the time it is a little difficult to find a more fitting word so let us settle with "good" for now. Blogging is good because when you blog, it means you have something to say. At least, this is how I always did it. And if you have something to say you're at least thinking about something which is important. I'm not saying my lack of posts implies that I'm not thinking because that would just be silly. I just think that I haven't been thinking enough. And that thought is a little disappointing, considering that my incredibly dumb 16 year old self was at least thinking enough to write something down (even if it is melodramatic teenage garbage). I do realize that my 16 year old self did blog for different reasons but the goal of the blog was always to say something.
I see this blog entry as part of a change I am undergoing for the better. This semester I have been an actual student, meaning that I have been attending class, doing homework, studying for tests etc. It would be a big stretch to call myself a "good" student (hell, there is a class I'm actually scared I won't pass and I'm actually really scared by that fact, but I digress) but it's a start. I've also started to be more active in my role as a small group leader; I've started to invest in my kids a hefty amount. I've also been sleeping substantially earlier (although it seems today is the exception) than compared to last semester. So to summarize what I've been saying for a few sentences now, this is the beginning of a "new" me.
But this is where the problem is.
This is really how it always starts. It's even apparent in my blog, although it is more subtle here. I've probably mentioned this before but I always start strong but in the middle I start to peter off and eventually I just end up face first in the mud. It's actually happening right now with one of my classes, the class I'm very scared I might not pass. These fears are not without reason; a few weeks ago I "relapsed" and feel into old habits. I almost missed a week of school and at one point literally did not leave the house for four days straight. I felt pretty disgusted after the not going out after four days ordeal and even worse when I almost missed a week of school for no reason.
Hopefully this time will be different.
Hopefully.
Of course, this what I always say. "This time it'll be different because xyz" or "I'm a new because I have motivation" or whatever crap I try to convince myself is true. Now ironically I do actually believe things will be different.
I know things are going to be different.
Two or three weeks ago I was talking to a friend and he said something that has bothered me for awhile now. We were talking about me and he said that I really need to look at myself and see who I am. Identifying myself was the first part. I needed to be able to look at myself and say "this is who I am. I am x, y and z." After I've done that I need to see if that's who I want to be. If it isn't I either accept that it is who I am and wallow in the fact that I'm not what I want to be or I change myself.
I looked at myself.
After a good 13 years of it I'm tired of being an underachiever. Tired of being "the smart guy who is a slacker"; hell I think I can just drop the smart part and just call myself a slacker. I try not to think about it, but sometimes I look at what at other people are doing and accomplishing and I wonder "what would happen if I applied myself? Could I do what they're doing? Would I be better than them?" Its actually very depressing sometimes, hence why I try not to think about it.
So yea. This is the start of the "new, new new, new" me.
Hopefully this time will be different.
Lovely, never ever change...
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