Steps

If you havent noticed already, I changed my blog name to Personal Journals. I took this name for the partial (long story short, I failed) Sage Francis album that I have. I think that's really what this blog is; a compilation of small personal journals that I write from time to time.

So yea, intros aside, just gonna give a slight background on the last few weeks. I dunno why I never wrote this post. I mean I've run through the post several times in my head with little to no variation, which isn't necessarily a good or bad thing but I've had the post topic for weeks now. I guess I never really felt like blogging, which is kinda weird because I usually like to post my ideas, no matter how silly they might be. I find a slight solace (I can use big words yeye) in the fact that I didnt do anything like study for my AP tests instead of blogging, which...is weird.

Without further nonsense, here is the long awaited (that no one knew about) post!



Ok so seriously, its been 3 weeks which is a really long time to delay something. Especially something as "simple" as this. I mean, 3-4 days is pretty normal, a week is understandable, two is kinda pushing it, but three? But... at the same time, starting a post and then ending it three weeks later can also be a profound process no? The view going into this could have been radically changed in that 3 week gap, which would be kinda cool to see.

This story starts around three weeks ago when some guy (Joseph) starts talking to me about talking more about Christian topics... or something like that. Basically, over the course of two days we talked about living a more Christian life (eg going to help the poor directly, talking about topics more with ourselves and other people and all that juicy Christian goodness) and we roughly settled on a plan.

So bearing this in mind, I started to go re-read/finish/start some Christian books that were (and still are) in my possession. (Velvet Elvis, Irresistible Revolution etc.) Now, I finish reading An Irresistible Revolution sometime the next week, and the most vivid thing I can remember and that I did remember, was the part where I am told to love.

Now it so happens that at the same exact time, I talk to that guy again about moar topics. A few things came up; turning the other cheek, our new and improved (teehee) plan for the poor and last but not least... a mindset on how to deal with anger.

I proposed that we should get in the mind set of trying to understand someone's actions and put yourself in their shoes so you do not get mad. Or you chillax enough so you dont explode like Mt. Kilimanjaro on a bad day.

Now, lets throw all these things together.

Over the course of these past two weeks, I'm starting to feel like I've been put into this huge test.

And boy, do I sure suck at tests.

I'm constantly getting things thrown at me that seem like they're there to piss me off. And generally, they do; despite this I've been doing my best to exercise this whole mindset I've been trying to get into.

But I've run into a horrendously large, seemingly impassable wall on my way to reach this mindset. More and more, I'm being thrown into these situations that I cannot even begin to see the other person's side.

Now, I'd like to think that I've been improving in this path. For example, the other day while I was browsin the internets, I saw someone ranting about a college. Thanks to the deductive skills of many people on the internets, it was quickly discovered that all of it was complete poppycock and that the dude was basically attention whoring himself out.

My initial reaction was "I cant believe that someone would write blatant bullshit just to get people to feel sympathy and whore attention over the internet." As a little backdrop, a lot of this guys posts on this particular part of the internet are very...unbelievable as it were.

(Just a little example: "I have 6 people working under me including my father for Web Design, and despite this I have multiple roommates who piss me off and I dunno why I wont move out. Oh yea I can also apply for student aid even though I'm making enough money to support 7 people's jobs including myself! ")


Then... I tried to understand why he did what he did. Because of the digging done on him because of this one incident, it turns out that much poppycock indeed had been found out. Know what I started to do? I started to feel bad for him. I felt that if someone had to create all these lies about themselves just to make them feel better... its kinda depressing isnt it?

The point of that nice little random tidbit was to point out that surely, I have at least improved a little. At least I've matured (like I'm ever mature?) to the point where I can at least do the bare minimum and instead of condemn, pity. Not that my pity is a good thing... but I think that condemning is a whole lot worse.

So know that we've established that I can, at the very least, look at it from another perspective and take something on in a different way. If you dont think it did...eat poop.

Now here is my problem: what am I supposed to understand when someone just wont accept that they could be wrong? What am I supposed to sympathize/empathize/whatever the hell-athize with them?

You might be thinking "But Aaron, did you ever consider the fact that they're really not wrong at all and youre the one at fault?"

Well, yea I did. I openly admitted that yes, I am partially to blame but the other person played a role in it. I admitted that I was rude and that I could have handled things differently, but I did not feel that I am solely to blame. Admittedly, in an angry tone but hey admittance is admittance no matter how you cut it.

I'm at a loss for words.... kinda. I really dunno what to say to them. When I called them out saying "You know what the problem is here? You REFUSE to admit that you're wrong, ever. I've already admitted that I was wrong, and I've already apologized, but shouldnt you do the same? Look, you know statistics so even you should know that the probability of me being at fault EVERY SINGLE TIME in all of our arguments is basically impossible. Yet, you refuse to admit you had any part in those, and that I was solely at fault."

The retort?

"....Well in the first place, you shouldnt have..."

You bet I was pissed at that. But at the same time, I laughed. I laughed that they proved my point for me. I also laughed at the futility of everything I do and how terrible its going to be when I interact with them from now on.

Despite this, I'm going to continue to continue on this path of understanding. To me, this is a major setback that I need to overcome. I guess... these are just small steps that I'm taking in the right direction. Steps that will hopefully point me to where I need to be and to the person who I was meant to be.

So to this seemingly impassable wall I will say:

"I think I can I think I can I think I can...."



Because I havent done a post in so long, here's the mini section!

I dont even know if you'll read this, or if you even know that I have a blog. I'm going to say this and much more in person, but hey you deserve a shout-out!

Thank you so much for the card Sarah, its really the first hand made card (All the ones I've gotten were store bought...) and it really meant a lot to me. There really arent any words that can describe the thanks I feel so just....thanks!

3 weeks = 3 songs!

Woke up today a bit too late...
I hope that you like it in your little Motel...
Have you been drinkin son, you dont look old enough to me...

Started: 4/26/10 at 10:26 PM.
Finished: 5/18/10 at 12:23AM.