Fluorescent Adolescent

Today, was a shit day. Despite that, I learned some pretty... for a lack of a better word, enlightening things.

I begin groggy as hell, as I had gotten around 4 hours of sleep that day. Not a big deal, I'm used to it due to my epic procrastination over the years. I survive my first period Physics... then after that the day just went downhill. In Chemistry I find out that I basically have two Ds, one in Physics and one in Chem. Normally, this wouldnt bother me...but I've changed. I realize that this year is important, and I'm frankly disappointed in myself. Whats worse is that I'm actually trying now, and I'm doing my homework, studying etc. As my usual self I see this as a self improvement as I actually have a sense of failure for these grades, unlike my previous years. Thats awesome.

To make it better, I got stuck with scab lips all they while walking home. My home isnt that far, only around five miles away from school. Not that bad... usually anyway. The walk itself is fine, but today was a shit day.

Now, I have multiple ways of dealing with depression, most of them relatively healthy and even could be promoted. I write, I play music, I read, I just sit there, or I listen to music. Now, as I'm walking home, I can do one of the five, listen to music. Unfortunately, I did not have my headphones. So lucky me! I got to walk for 30 minutes in pure silence, wallowing in my own misery.

That was basically it... for the most part I guess, athough there is a very important fact I noticed... well I noticed it before but its alot clearer now.

I have shit friends.

Dont get me wrong, I still have good ones, but...for the most part all of them are dicks/assholes. Probably the worst part about this realization is that I'm probably not going to do shit.

I'm not going to go sit with other people.

I'm not going to stop talking with them.

Nothing.

They say you are defined through your friends. If you want to know someone, look at their friends. The list goes on and on. I guess its too late in the game to go sit with other people. Oh well.

Now, here's the real gem, probably the best thing really. (Well, maybe not for everyone else but its great for me)

I give too much.

Ok ok stop right there, I know what youre thinking. Refering to hownottofailatlife.jpg, I quote " You thought:You were [being] a pretty nice guy. You were actually: Not completely sucking."

I do realize that the definition of "give" can easy be interpreted in many ways. Also some people might not think that the things I do are worthy of me being able to say "I give too much". Thats cool.

That could easily be the case. I could be an ok guy, thats just *sort of* nice, and does the occasional thing to help someone out. If thats the case, awesome.

But, I dont think it is. I dont know if that is right or wrong, or what other people think. What I do know however, is that I more or less get treated like shit by my friends.

Small example:
Lets call this friend X. I buy friend X food from our school cafeteria for around a year and a half, probably every other day. I help him with his homework. I teach him stuff. Yet, I am ridiculed and get "shocked" by him.

I mean really, are you fucking serious? I understand that yaknow, friends buy each other food, make fun of each other etc. But really what the fuck. I do all this shit for you and you treat me like shit. Hell, you call me a faggot because I cant come to your house to play, because my parents said so.

I'm tired of this. I'm not going to be a dick, but I'm going to just going to focus on myself, and some of the cool people that are good friends. Aside from that...

I quit.

To end on a sort of... I suppose positive note, I guess I'll just share some random musings.

You know... I never really noticed how just sitting out somewhere, be it your bed, a nice cozy spot on a hill, your car, anywhere really, and just...admiring everything around you is so...relaxing.

I remember when I went with my small group and we climbed to Suicide Hill. I have no idea why its called that, maybe because there are random cracks and stuff leading up to the hill, and its relatively easy to fall from there. Anyway... I remember getting up to the top and looking out. It was...beautiful. For a few minutes, I just sat there and admired the view.

This was one of the peaks of my summer. Simplicity and beauty at is best. If I ever get a girlfriend while in high school, I'll be sure to take her there. That place is amazing.

At any rate... just relax somewhere, and just...reflect on things, or just stop and admire everything. If you dont stop once in awhile and admire everything...you're missing out on alot.

Try it sometime. It'll blow your mind.